work, or not

So, this summer I'm working at allen's again. Today was my first day back, and I'm learning how to check. I made it through the day with not too many problems. It's quite different being the checker instead of the carry-out. There's really nothing much to say about that though, I've had a few other things on my mind.

I'm reading two books right now, one is about russia, and the other is called Reading Lolita in Tehran. They're both pretty interesting. But that's not really what I'm thinking about either.

It's been a year (and two days) since I told myself that I was done with god. At the time, it was consuming my life, why I couldn't love god, or why i couldn't have a "relationship" or whatever with this god that had been such a major part of my life since i can remember. I decided, realized might be more accurate, that I couldn't call myself a christian because my beliefs had strayed too far. My conversations with god consistantly ended up with my yelling at god for ignoring me. and i gave myself a year. I said to myself "i'll try this, because anything has to be better than crying myself to sleep every night. anything"

So, now it's been a year, and i suppose time to evaluate how my life has developed this year.

+ to start with, I stopped crying myself to sleep every night, or any night for that matter.
+ i feel like i was more able to become who i really am
- parts of me came out that i don't like. for example, i was much more bitter, mean, unaccepting, irritable,
+ i started at a new school, and was considerably less paranoid when meeting new people. I didn't feel like they were judging me, I felt accepted and liked much more quickly.
- during second semester I pulled away from all of them, becoming stuck to my computer and refusing/unable to carry on a normal conversation, paranoia snuck up on me again, even with established friends.
- i'll just sum up second semester with : it sucked major ass.

So, i know not all of these things have to do with having religion, and some would say that none of it does. Frankly, I'm still bitter towards god. However, I miss church and worship and feeling like my life has a purpose. Purpose is really missing from my life right now. I have ideas about what I want to do as a career, but I can't see a full life from where I am. I can't see friends and family, only a few shady career plans.

So, for now just realize that I'm just confused. I don't know what I'm doing. but that's the way it is. And I'm just taking life as it comes.