Today was a good day. Well, a good part of a day. There were some good parts to my day. have some smiles. that's all. I think I'm gonna take a week off of the internet. So yeah. I'll be back in a week, I guess.

So, I'm in the middle of a horrible, horrible bout of "ugly days." I feel like crap. That's all I have to say right now.

whiteness, overwhelming

If you want a book to read this summer, i have a suggestion. Don't read White Bird in a Blizzard I get it, WHITE. It was stupid and as much as i want to tell you the end, i just can't bring myself to, because if you want to know where the mother went, you should have to suffer through this horrible book. And it's not like I suffered through a classic that I could brag about at the end of the summer. "Well, I read <insert classic here>" anyway... my grandmother arrived, and i didn't run today. mom called while she was at work, and among other things, asked if i had run. That's why I don't want to tell her things. I want to do it, but I don't want to be asked if I have or not. I want to choose what I tell you. DON'T ASK!

suck

running, running, running. I didn't mean to tell my mom. grandmother's coming up tomorrow. Walmart sucks because they have a limited supply of crochet & knitting patterns. also, they don't have the first season of alias. What good is the second season without the first.

so, in a word. suck.

dude

Someone totally got to here by googling "gonorrhea in Oregon" wtf, mate?

knigi

Oh, one last thing before i disappear. I read a lot last summer and I'd really like to do that again, so I went to the library and got like five books. I'm not really sure what i like to read anymore; I haven't really read much for fun since gradeschool, excepting last summer and so I just kinda picked five books to see what they're like and what I'd enjoy reading. They are:

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Five Great Short Stories by Anton Chekov
The Storm by Kalil Gibran
White Bird in a Blizzard by Laura Kasischke
Drown by Junot Diaz

I had (have) a list of books that I want to read, but I realized I don't know what style of writing they are, and then I realized I didn't even know what style I liked, or anything. So, here's a start. I'm also in the middle of Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azir Nafisi. I saw it in the bookstore at school and said to myself "i want to read that, but I don't want to pay for it" so i haunted the library for about a month, while it was being processed, and then some idiot on another campus FUCKING STOLE MY FUCKING BOOK, DAMNIT! anyway, I broke down and bought it. It's really great right now, but then again I <3 THE MIDDLE EAST. oh. again with the CAPS LOCK. I'll stop now.

out like a (broken) light. again, that didn't work
~dana.

time

So, more time than i realized has passed since I last updated. oops. (our own people spit -- i could explain, but, nah!) I got my grades, they were bad. I got my first (and hopefully last) C in a math class. Topology, it really was my own fault, but it won't happen again. i won't let it. my gpa is shot to hell, but it's not the end of the world. i have seventeen hours next semester, but i can do it. i will do it. i have to do it. new hall, new suitmates (although i really did like the old ones) new friends. new classe. new professors.

oh. sorry, this post is looking like a pep talk for me.

So, i worked 8 hours today and by the end of it I was feeling really goofy (i'm getting comfortable checking -- i can afford to act goofy). I'm around a bunch of new people, or at least people that weren't there last summer, needless to say, they don't really know me. Anyway, I'm giggling my head off because I'm tired and it's a good way to amuse myself. So, I think I've convinced Chris that I smoke crack or something, because apparently laughing for reasons other people don't see means you smoke crack. Helpfull hint: when it's slow, a fun way to entertain yourself is to draw on the paper that they use for credit/debit/ebt orders. you know, the one with white paper on top and yellow on the bottom. (carbon copy paper?) yeah, i did way to much of that drawing today. I really need to find constructive things to do at work.

And I just realised that this probably doesn't make any sense. for the record, i don't smoke crack. and i have to go now.

checking

So, I think i've said this before, but i was promoted at my work place and now i'm checking. Last summer I was a carry-out, but this summer i've been trained to check. ug! it's so stressful to have to deal with people that much. Generally they are nice and patient and everything, but i just feel like i'm not getting everything or that i'm screwing something up majorly or ARG!. I HATE PEOPLE. oh. i feel much better now. I HATE PEOPLE! So tomorrow, I'm carrying out again. and then Saturday I have to check for 8 hours. Linda says i'm doing fine, and I trust her, i'm just a little stressed right now. it should calm down, i think. just give me a week or two.

also - yahoo mail rocks because i get spam in russian and hebrew. new alphabets excite me!

makin like a tree and leave(in) wow, that didn't work. sleep. out.

ya khochu ...

I'm wanting a lot of things I know I really don't need recently. Among this includes:

* smaller bed
* messenger bag
* cell phone
* digital camera
* new project
* library with more of the books i'd like to read

eh. i could compose a better list, but i think it's bed time.

work, or not

So, this summer I'm working at allen's again. Today was my first day back, and I'm learning how to check. I made it through the day with not too many problems. It's quite different being the checker instead of the carry-out. There's really nothing much to say about that though, I've had a few other things on my mind.

I'm reading two books right now, one is about russia, and the other is called Reading Lolita in Tehran. They're both pretty interesting. But that's not really what I'm thinking about either.

It's been a year (and two days) since I told myself that I was done with god. At the time, it was consuming my life, why I couldn't love god, or why i couldn't have a "relationship" or whatever with this god that had been such a major part of my life since i can remember. I decided, realized might be more accurate, that I couldn't call myself a christian because my beliefs had strayed too far. My conversations with god consistantly ended up with my yelling at god for ignoring me. and i gave myself a year. I said to myself "i'll try this, because anything has to be better than crying myself to sleep every night. anything"

So, now it's been a year, and i suppose time to evaluate how my life has developed this year.

+ to start with, I stopped crying myself to sleep every night, or any night for that matter.
+ i feel like i was more able to become who i really am
- parts of me came out that i don't like. for example, i was much more bitter, mean, unaccepting, irritable,
+ i started at a new school, and was considerably less paranoid when meeting new people. I didn't feel like they were judging me, I felt accepted and liked much more quickly.
- during second semester I pulled away from all of them, becoming stuck to my computer and refusing/unable to carry on a normal conversation, paranoia snuck up on me again, even with established friends.
- i'll just sum up second semester with : it sucked major ass.

So, i know not all of these things have to do with having religion, and some would say that none of it does. Frankly, I'm still bitter towards god. However, I miss church and worship and feeling like my life has a purpose. Purpose is really missing from my life right now. I have ideas about what I want to do as a career, but I can't see a full life from where I am. I can't see friends and family, only a few shady career plans.

So, for now just realize that I'm just confused. I don't know what I'm doing. but that's the way it is. And I'm just taking life as it comes.

GOOGLE!

i got my first (and second) search engine hits today. unfourtunatly, one was for a misspelled word. damn.

politics.

I found this site today, No Indoctrination. I spent quite a bit of time reading the records, and I'm curious as to why there are no records on conservative professors (or at least very few). Are there really fewer conservative professors? Are liberals just more open minded about hearing differing opinions? The site owner says that 70% of the posts are thrown out. What percentatge of liberal/conservative are they? I think the site is a great resource, and by reading it, I'm more and more happy with the education I've recieved so far, but it makes me very cautious as well, even though I don't have and English, Political Science, or History major.

I like to observe politics, I don't really want to be involved at all.

ging

So, towards the end of last semester, I started thinking about some friends that I haven't seen in a really long time. I hadn't talked to them or anything. And I was basically thinking about how much I loved them, but that they didn't know it because we'd all moved on and were at different points in our lives, and that it's really okay.

Then Tuesday... Tuesday, the night I got home one of them IMs me. "Hey do you want to get together?" "Yes, yes, but no" So she's coming over tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her, I don't know what she wants, or why she's trying to get in touch now. I'd almost rather be left alone, because I spent 12 years with her and then I left. and i just don't feel like she cared enough to keep in touch. I tried. I tried talking online. She was always distracted, and then we stopped trying. All of us, and it was fine. It wasn't fine, but it was.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say here, just that I wish she'd go away, but I'm glad she's coming over. Wish me luck.

spring 04.

I keep wanting to write about last semester. I think it's time. last semester, last semester *bubbles float up the screen*

So, basically last semester sucked ass. I was unmotivated and sick of school. I hated my classes. I had 13 hours but did vitually no work for any of them. It started off, I had 16 hours, I was pretty satisfied with them. I was in my JINS class and looking forward to it, Topology was going to be a blast. I had a good professor for stats, russian would be hard, but I'd survive and ... well, I had to take public speaking sometime, right?

Halfway into the semester I dropped JINS. I knew it was kinda stupid, because I'd lost my Junior status, and registering for JINS as a senior is stupid. But, we had a rough draft of a paper due on Friday and it was the next Tuesday, I had an extention, but nothing done. I also had no intention of doing it. DROP! Then there was Topology. I was so looking forward to this class, and then the professor... Well, what can I say? He was awful, horrible, bad. The guy just needs to go ahead and retire. He's NOT a good professor. I don't care how much he knows about topology. He's very knowledgeable about it, actually did his doctoral disertaion in topology, but knowledgeable does not equal being a good professor. It was abotu this time (midterm) that we had our first test. Yeah, midterm and also there was no collected homework. No collected homework means that I did no homework. I would try, but then I'd get frustrated and then I just wouldn't do it, because there was no immediate reason to. So, on that first test, I get a 57. but hey, the high score is 80 and the low score is 35 or something. So, it's a B. The only class I did regular work for was Russian and that was because we had daily collected homework.

Anyway, enough about school. I completely pulled away from all of my friends this last semester. I hid behind my computer and could have gone days without talking to anybody and not even notice it. During the last month of classes, I wanted to go to the university cousiling services, because I thought that I might be depressed, but, I was scared to go. "i'm probably not, i'm just being lazy, extremely lazy" i held the phone and number in my hand an entire afternoon, but i could never make the call.

The semester's over and I survived. My gpa is questionable. and i'm left to wonder

which is worse, to be depressed and know it or to not know and just wonder?

unfortuantly, i think i know the answer, but then again i'm not sure.

two

Two more days here, really one and a half. I have three more real finals and one take home final to turn in (that pesky topology final in the previous post) Russian tomorrow and then stats and comm 170 tuesday. My russian professor invited all of her russian students over for lunchy stuff. lots of fun, lots of procrastinating. Cheryl and I watched Dancer in the Dark staring bjork. Lots-o-fun. (so i'm saying that a lot) also, sarah & i went on our last evening stroll for the semester. oh... my reflection of the semester... i really need to write that.

("in the words of earnest hemingway - buy a lot of ram." ~three dead trolls in a baggie)

topology

it's two am, i've been working on the topology final for about three hours, and i declare myself done. technically i could probably work on it more, like re-write it and think about improvinging while i re-write it, but in actuality i probably won't. i'm gonna grab my c in the class and run, and not look back because hey, my gpa this semester's going to be shit anyway. (i keep forgetting that my suitemates don't curse and then cursing around them, i don't mean to and then i feel bad, now back to topology) my professor is a horrible horrible excuse for a professor and i'm glad to be rid of him. no more mind numbingly boring, ten minute extra lectures, or awful topology. i'm done. hallaluja!

uh, yeah

I am Nothing!



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speed vs. acceleration.

So, I was watching tv the other night and a commerical for disney's ride "tower of terror" came on. At some point they say that the ride will "drop you faster than the speed of gravity" and I think to myself no, that's not what they said, no company would be stupid enough to use that in their advertising campaign. So, i looked it up online and sure enough, they are. And it just got me thinking about what they really meant.

When they say "Faster than the speed of gravity" do they mean faster than 9.8 m/s instead of 9.8 m/s^2? But in free-fall, as long as the ride is longer than one second, it should be going that quickly. Although, maybe this is speical because most rides are not in true free-fall, roller coasters are slowed down by friction and whatnot. However, shouldn't this "tower of terror" ride be slowed as well?

But I really think that they mean that the ride accellerated faster than gravity. my theory is magnets, electromagnets that are powerful enough to pull overcome the force of friction and actually make particles accelerate faster than normal gravity would allow for.

anyway, this kind of changed from my original topic, which was to bash disney for allowing "Speed of gravity" to enter a commercial. their physicists should be ashamed.

Save me!

You know you've been studying a foriegn language when you try to analyize the grammatical differences between "you're a huge disapointment," and "you're very dissapointing." "You" is the subject in both, but dissapointment is a noun while dissapointing is a gerud or something, and huge is an adjective while very is an adverb. Then there's the connotative differences that Mandi pointed out: "huge disappointment" I would say means that you yourself are a disappointment all the time, but "very disappointing" means that you disappoint people, but you aren't necessarily a disappointment all the time"

Anyway, does russian even have gerunds?

(no title)

my wish is to dance in front of you until you laugh at me. I could post, but then you'd realize how much my life sucks.